How to Handle a Woman (according to John Wayne)

Last night, Christine and I watched "The Quiet Man," which had been recommended by one of Christine's friends. It stars John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara (who also star together in "McClintock," which has similar male-female relationship themes). I learned the following lessons from John Wayne about how to treat a woman:

1. If you see an attractive woman walking along, the best way to communicate your interest in her is to stare, mouth agape, after her.

2. If you see an attractive woman and communicate your interest by staring, you will know if she is also interested if she keeps turning around to stare at you in return while she continues walking. This sort of "stare and return stare" communication indicates true and lasting love; no other courtship is necessary.

3. If you exchange a couple of "stare and return stare" instances with a woman and you later find that she has snuck into your new house and cleaned it for you, but she is hiding in your house because she is embarrassed and you don't know where she is hiding, it's a good idea to flush her out of hiding by throwing a rock through a window.

4. If a woman you love deeply (because you have stared and she has stared back) tries to flee your house after cleaning it for you, you should grab her wrist when she is halfway out the door and yank her back inside the house and kiss her. Don't worry about her arm and don't bother with words. Just yank her back and kiss her. This is a good way of showing your deep love and respect.

5. After circumstances similar to those above, you can declare your intention to marry a woman. She will agree and smile bashfully as she leaves. (This is so much easier than traditional courting: just a stare, a rock, a yank, and a kiss. That's all it takes.)

6. If your beloved is from another culture and if her customs don't agree with yours, you should do your best to ignore them and do things your way.

7. When your wife is upset about something, if it does not seem important to you, you should tell her it's silly and doesn't matter and she should just forget it. She may get mad at you, but that's just a woman being silly. You should not give in.

8. If your wife becomes angry at you, storms into the bedroom, and slams and locks the door, you should kick the door down, yell that there will be no locking of doors, pick her up, throw her on the bed, and leave the room. Nevermind if you have to fix the door later, and don't worry about scaring her to death with your violence and anger. This sort of fear is good for a woman.

9. You should hide your past from your wife. Do not explain difficult things from the past that are affecting the way you behave now.

10. "Woman of the house" is a good term of endearment for your wife. It is best used when you are hungry. In these circumstances, you should use the term this way: After waking up or coming home, you should walk into the kitchen and call loudly (whether or not you can see her), "Woman of the house! Where's my breakfast (or dinner, as the case may be)?" She will enjoy being addressed this way.

11. If you are frustrated with your wife and you think she is being silly or is not understanding you (see number 9, above), you should grab her by the wrist and pull her along on a five-mile walk. During these five miles, you should not address her except in a few angry tones. You should walk quickly and never stop, pulling her all the way. If she falls down, you should grab her arm or the back of her coat and drag her until she decides to get up and keep walking. If she loses her shoe, you should keep moving and not wait for her to put her shoe back on. A crowd of strangers will likely gather and follow you along. They will see this treatment as good for your wife and may even encourage it by giving you a stick to use on your wife as needed. Don't worry about publicly embarrassing your wife in front of all these people. She will later quickly forgive you and think the better of you for it.

12. Fighting is a good way to prove your bravery to your wife. Women like men who can beat up other guys. Your wife will be pleased if you come home drunk after a brawl. Oh--and your foe is likely to become your new best friend after you whip him.


How on earth did John Wayne become the icon of American manhood? He's my new least-favorite person.

Incidentally, I do not recommend this movie.