Lizzy regularly falls apart when she doesn't get her way. When friends have to go home, when a party ends early, when she doesn't get a book at bedtime (because she was disobedient), when its time to stop playing and eat dinner. She will wail and complain and cry and whine. Tears and pouting and declarations of unfairness. It can be exhausting to deal with those emotional eruptions, and it can be embarrassing when my family or friends become an audience to the display.
Tonight, after Lizzy had fallen apart twice—once when her abbreviated pre-birthday party with cousins came to an end and once when the "pajama party," designed to ease the end-of-party-sadness, didn't turn out like she hoped and also came to an end—I realized that it is all my fault. When I was younger, I was just like Lizzy.I distinctly remember being five and having a friend come over one Sunday and protesting and whining because we couldn't play outside (a family Sunday rule). I pouted for a long time and ruined the visit. One of my defining characteristics as a child and teenager was my short temper. I remember often losing it and getting out-of-control angry, yelling, screaming, crying, pouting, stomping off in a huff, and sometimes throwing fists. I also remember acute embarrassment about my behavior—sometimes even in the midst of the outburst—and I remember regrets for opportunities lost.
So Lizzy's behavior is all my fault. She got it from me. And now it's payback time, Lizzy giving to me the embarrasment and frustration that I gave to my parents. I'll just have to figure out a way to help her through it.
You know, if Lizzy got this from me, could it be that I got this from one of my parents? I wonder if one of them behaved this way as a child. Maybe I'm not really to blame after all. It's probably their fault. Or their parents' fault. I'm sure somewhere back the line there's someone we can blame so the rest of us feel better about ourselves.
Why does it have to be your fault? I don't think you or anyone else is to blame - it just is the way it is for a reason, perhaps, but I don't see the need for fault or blame.
ReplyDeleteI'm not raising my daughters, but I see things like this in them all the time that I know they got from me, but I never blame myself or think it's my fault. I rejoice in their likeness to me from the bad to the good because it shows they are my daughters even if they are also daughters to their other parents and I'm not the one raising them. I rejoice in those things and seeing them because it shows that parent - child biological connection and bond and I see it as they are the way they are because they are a part of me, a symbol and product of my love and God's love.
I see what you're saying about Lizzy as nothing to blame or be at fault for, but simply something that establishes that parent child bond and connection. I see it as her being the way she is because she is a part of you and a symbol of your's and Christine's love as well as God's love. I think it can be a happy thing to see these things in her that remind you of yourself even when they're not good traits sometimes.
Just my rambling two cents from another point of view here.
Thanks for your ramblings... it's a good point to remember. I should clarify that I don't really feel that bad about this... my declaration of fault is mostly tongue-in-cheek (as well as helpful and comforting perspective; she comes by this behavior naturally and not necessarily as a result of my parenting).
ReplyDeleteAfter I posted this yesterday, I've been remembering a funny moment the other day that shows that although much of Lizzy's temper may be inherited, a lot of it is simply due to her age (and maybe her gender).
On Friday Christine and her two Bay-Area sisters met up at Happy Hollow with their children. (Happy Hollow is a great little zoo and amuzement park; just a handful of animals with a few fun rides and playground areas—perfect for small children.) Altogether there were five girls and two boys aged 6 and under.
As we were preparing to leave, the two oldest girl cousins (both age 6) declared that they would ride to the dinner site together, at which point a younger sister of one of those girls began to cry because she wanted to ride with her sister. Then Lizzy grabbed the hand of the younger sister and said she would ride with her, but the younger sister would have none of it. She wanted to ride with her older sister.
Soon both Lizzy and the younger sister were crying because they couldn't ride with the sibling/cousin of their choice. Then the mom of the two sisters proclaimed that everyone should just ride with their own family, but this only caused the two older girls to fall apart, adding their wailing to that of the younger girls.
So there we were just outside the entrance of Happy Hollow with four little girls crying at the top of their lungs. The fifth little girl (Caroline) was just listening, and the two boys were watching wide eyed.
Some parental laughter and a solution soon followed and we dried tears and went on our merry way.
So yes, Lizzy may be prone to lose it when she doesn't get her way, but I think that's not all that uncommon for 4-year-old girls.
True it most likely does have a lot to do with her age and gender.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're having fun in spite of the tantrums though lol (laugh out loud) =).
You didn't get your temper tantrums from me!
ReplyDeleteMama
The Happy Hollow incident may just prove that the emotional outbursts are inherited from your WIFE, since they are prevalent in the Lawrence cousins.
ReplyDeleteActually, I was just reading of similar behavior in a friend's blog. She has four young boys and one (3 year-old) girl, and she frequently expresses amazement at her daughter's emotional outbursts. Little girls can just be very emotional.