Congratulations on your selection last week of Tony Snow as your new press secretary. Given that you have two and a half years left in your presidency, I thought you may wish to start creating a short list of replacements for Snow, should he not last to be your last press secretary. I respectfully submit my name for that list, and I here present evidence of my qualifications for the job.
1. I would be easy to remember. People who have more than a couple of children often struggle with name confusion. I'm sure the same is true for press secretaries, and once you're on number 4, there's no doubt you will stumble through a litany of former press secretary names before you get to the right one. If you get confused from time to time and accidentally call me Snow or McClellan or even Fleischer, I'm ok with that. Either Snow or McClellan suit me fine naturally, and I'd be happy to add Fleischer—either legally or as a nickname—so I'll have all my predecessors covered.
2. I have the benefit of an ageless hair style. Snow is graying, and although gray does look distinguished, it also looks old, thus alienating the younger voters. Both McClellan and Fleischer were in awkward stages of hair recession, which as all sorts of uncomfortable economic overtones. My hair is pretty much all gone—just a little fuzz on the sides, which I have been known to shave off completely. This completely or almost-completely bald look gives me an ageless appearance (ala Jean Luc Picard and Yul Brynner), so I can appeal to old and young voters alike.
3. I could help you achieve historical distinction. You are now on your third press secretary, just one short of the record held by Presidents Johnson and Clinton, who each had four. As a competitive individual, you can't let those two democrats beat you—especially Clinton. Snow, as you remarked yesterday, has been known to disagree with you publicly, and some of us aren't giving him a snowflake's chance in south Texas of a long tenure. I could replace Snow when he falls, making four press secretaries for you, and I won't likely last long because I have absolutely no relevant experience. Then you can jump ahead to number 5, becoming the number 1 president in all of history (in terms of press secretary count, anyway).
4. I'm likely to be at least as awkward in front of the cameras as you are, thus making you look better.
5. I've been told that I have a strong resemblance to James Carville (see evidence at left). My liberal visage will help you look more progressive and will help you gain popularity with the left. In addition, given your new desire to surround yourself with people who don't agree with you, I would be an excellent choice, because I look like someone who doesn't agree with you. Since politics are all about appearance, it doesn't really matter whether I agree with you or not. If it looks like I don't agree (because I look like one of your outspoken critics) then that's a good thing, no? And for a decent salary, good benefits, and the promise of book deals, speaking engagements, and CNN posts after I leave the White House, I'll gladly be your yes-man, while looking like your no-man.Sincerely,
Jeffrey Snow McClellan
White House Press Secretary-Elect
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